Author: Kshitija Patil

We had started our Cancer Awareness Campaign in association with ZuviusLifesciences and  YouWeCan. We were enjoying this journey of taking wakefulness and knowledge across college students and interacting with them while killing the myths about cancer.  During this campaign we often came across stories of survivors and quite a lot of people falling prey to this dreadful disease.

Last December, I was on my way back to Kochi after a couple of my client meetings in Mumbai and Delhi. I was seated next to this elderly couple. They looked chirpy and zealous despite their age and fragile bodies. The lady was thin, fair and seated next to the window. She was all excited about the take off. The gentleman seemed equally enthusiastic and kept holding her hand while leaning on her shoulder. I was witnessing an ancient scene of Public Display of Affection in modern times and I couldn’t stop smiling!

The flight took off and it was a long journey. It must have been about 20 odd minutes when I realised that the elderly woman was enjoying her forty winks. The flight attendant arrived and served what we had pre-booked. During the service, the man initiated a conversation with a hello. Mr. Agarwal was travelling to Kochi to spend the winters by the sea and to enjoy the exquisite beauty of the backwaters. We spoke about what I do and where I come from. Minutes later, we spoke about the Cancer Awareness Campaign we were dealing with. It was unusual to see a face cheerfully lit up on hearing cancer. His expressions had ignited a curious spark in my mind and I had to ask him the reason for the same.

Also read: Story Of A Brave Heart And A Cancer Survivor: An Interview With Varshaa Jain

The delightful story that followed is what I wanted to share.

Mr. Agarwal, apart from being a chronic bachelor and enjoying his life at 50, was busy with his business of importing fibre and plastic goods from China. He would often travel a lot and his busy work schedule would enervate him. It was not unusual for him to have back pains. It was on one such trip back from China that he felt a dull ache in his abdomen and groin along with the persistent back pain. He reached Delhi and fixed an appointment with his doctor. His doctor suggested a few routine tests and at the same time asked him to meet one of his colleagues. A couple of tests, meeting with the doctors and was diagnosed testicular cancer. The sense of fear and hopelessness engulfed him, his mind kept asking him the same question over and again, why him? He had abstained from alcohol and tobacco all his life, he was living a healthy lifestyle, he had been independent and hardworking, so why him? He, eventually, decided to go with the flow and fight this serious ailment with all the nerves he had.

The treatment prefaced and came the Satan of physical weakness! He lost his mental strength too in the concourse. He wanted it to end; he just wanted to bring an end to this uncertainty! His friends suggested to take up some hobby and indulge himself to keep his mind away. He took their advice seriously. As a child he enjoyed painting and sketching, so he decided to find some hobby classes near his hospital so that he can visit and be engaged whenever he could.

It was during his hobby classes that he met Manorama. She was a couple of years elder to him. Endowed with mirth, Manorama was a very friendly human being. He never spoke about his on-going fight with cancer because he hated the idea of people being sympathetic to him. He continued with his treatment while visiting the hobby classes whenever he could. During this period, he had found a sense of comfort and a friend in Manorama. She was a widow, who once used to work with an automobile group and had been living with her son and his wife. They would spend hours talking about life, philosophy, art, their past but never did he speak about his malady.

It was after a brain-numbing session of treatment, he felt very lonely and he decided to call Manorama to meet up for a conversation. He wanted to open up and he did. All the while when he spoke about his fight with cancer; Manorma held his hand and had a comforting smile on her face. She didn’t utter a word but patiently listened to him. After his full stop, she told him one thing, “You are a good human being and nothing bad will happen to you again if you defeat this one. Also, you are not alone, I am with you in this one.” He felt relieved having opened up and all the more because he found an ideal companion in her. He thanked her for being there and that is when she said- “When I said I am with you, I also meant that we are on the same boat. I just got done with my tussle against breast cancer 8 months ago and am cancer free now. I am confident that you can beat this one.”

He didn’t know what to say, he had not only found a friend but also an inspiring story. He was sitting in front of a survivor who had gone through what he was going through.

It has been four years now, today they spend more time together. They travel together, paint and explore the unexplored. She often helps him with his business and his home.

I couldn’t stop smiling listening to his story. “So apart from the sorrows, Cancer also brought some hope and companionship?” I asked him.

He smiled and replied, “Cancer is just like any other problem in our lives, just that it has a lot more stigma and fear attached to it. We often give up, I almost did and if it was not for her own story and the successful strive against cancer, I would have given up too!”

Zuvius: What inspired you to opt for medical sciences? Why and what made you chose oncology as your specialization?

Dr. Kulkarni: As a doctor’s son, I was exposed to the motto of rendering service to the less fortunate. I used to accompany my father whenever he visited patients. It left a deep impression on me. The other fact which made me decide about medical profession was the grieving illness of my mother. I saw her sinking day by day for over a year. She had developed a liver malady and the ascites ended her life. I watched helplessly as no curative treatment was available then. She probably had cancer. Hence, I made up my mind to pursue this noble profession.

Zuvius: Enlighten us with the experiences and milestones in your journey so far.

Dr. Kulkarni: It was not easy as there were very few seats available in the Government Medical Colleges that time. After inter-science I tried for admission to MCH but was not successful and was kept on waiting list. I decided to do BSc and then try my luck again. By that time the number of seats increased with new pattern of admission where in credit was given to NCC and Degree and Personal Interview. I was 22nd in the list of selected candidates. The long journey of fulfilling the dream had begun!

After MBBS, I went to Mumbai for post graduation. It was combined course of diagnosis and therapy. The students mostly concentrated on radio diagnosis as there were very few centres for treating cancer at that time. Moreover, very little exposure for cancer treatment was available at Tata Hospital in academics. I went back to Nagpur and joined my father’s X-Ray clinic. I had applied for MPSC and was selected for Radiology Lecturer job at Govt.  Medical College, Nagpur.

Also read: Story Of A Brave Heart And A Cancer Survivor: An Interview With Varshaa Jain Part-2

Zuvius: Share with us an incident which has changed your life.

Dr. Kulkarni: I went radiology department of TB hospital but was told that there is no vacancy. I was disappointed and was walking through the corridor. Out of nowhere, near the porch, I was approached by Dr. Bhiwapurkar, the Secretary of CRS. He told me that the management has decided to send me to BARC for training in Radiation Protection for four weeks and depute for further training in Radiotherapy to UK. In addition to this, I would be appointed as cancer specialist at the proposed RST Cancer Hospital at Nagpur. In a jiffy, the whole scenario changed and I was on my way to a new carrier as an Oncologist. My happiness knew no bounds. My dream came true. It was surreal!

I always desired to be actively involved in treating patients rather than doing Radio diagnosis. In due course of time, I went to UK and after completing my post graduation in diagnosis and therapy from London University returned back to India and joined as Director of RST Cancer hospital in 1974. Thus that unexpected meet with secretary of CRS changed my life and gave me a chance to serve the humanity.

Zuvius: What were the challenges you faced in the pioneering process of cancer treatment in Central India?

Dr. Kulkarni: There were very few centres in India for the Cancer treatment. In Central India, only Nagpur had an old deep X-ray machine. Patients had to visit Mumbai for treatment. Rashtrasant Tukdoji Maharaj suffered from cancer. He felt the ‘need’ for Cancer Hospital in the province. He donated a few lakhs and CRS decided to construct a hospital.

When I joined there was no staff but just a security guard! I was the only technical staff – literally one-man army. Right from opening the front door of the hospital, cleaning my own desk, registering the patients and making patient files, collecting fees, giving receipt examining patients and planning treatment, calculating doses, setting the patient on couch and giving treatment, I did it all. I had to deposit the day’s collection in the bank too. A completely opposite scenario to what UK had.

There was scarcity of technicians so I introduced teaching programme for therapy technicians. There was an issue of shortage of funds, CRS being a charitable trust. Moreover, major chunk of the donations collected was going for the purchase of the therapy machines. The machines which were imported and were very expensive. As the number of cases increased, we had to construct rooms for additional machines and other supporting department like pathology, radiology, operation theatres, blood banks and construction of indoor wards and OPD rooms for examination of patients by the HON specialists. Specialists in ENT, gynaecology, medicine, ansesthologist and other supporting staff were appointed initially for the 60 bedded hospital. My goal had been achieved. Now patients were treated here, in Nagpur yonder.

After so many years of struggle and hard work we have a fully developed cancer centre with 100 beds and many latest treatment machines in eluding brachytherapy. Over 200 patients are treated daily with highly qualified, experienced medical and technical staff. The hospital is recognised as the Regional Cancer Centre by Govt of India. This is second best centre in Maharashtra after Tata Memorial Hospital in Mumbai.

Zuvius: Put in the picture how cancer treatment has evolved and what all are the future prospects

Dr. Kulkarni: Initially there was only surgical treatment available for cancer patients. And it had limitations as curative treating was possible only when the disease was localised. In most of developing countries including India the patients reported in late stages of disease and hence radiotherapy had major role in treating patients. Also chemotherapy has developed rapidly. Medical technology is evolving at a faster velocity. After deep X Ray machines, new HV machines have the advantage of deep penetration. Larger radiation dose is delivered to deep seated tumours too. Treatment can be given to superficial lesions without damaging deeper tissue. Computer aided treatment planning helps in sparing normal tissue while larger dose could be given to target volumes. Thus, we can achieve good response and the chances of local recurrences are minimal. eg: IMRT.

Zuvius: Cancer incidence is expected to rise fivefold by 2025 in India. What advice you’d give to the countrymen?

Dr. Kulkarni: Incidence of cancer is increasing due to various factors. It usually a disease of advanced age and people are falling in that range as our life expectancy has increased. Increasing urbanisation, change in lifestyle, high consumption of processed food, industrial and environmental pollution, adulteration, chemicals, cosmetics and stress are some of the responsible factors. Obesity, lack of exercise, consumption of junk food, smoking and alcohol can be added to the list. All these amplify the cancer burden on the country. To treat such large number of cases requires resources, machines and staff to cater for all these rising numbers. We are falling short in every aspect.

Government alone can’t do all of this and we on our part can take some responsibility. A squirrel’s part, may be?

I appreciate you guys, doing a really good job!

Scrap Book questions:

Zuvius: What do you love to do in your free time? Your hobbies and interests?

Dr. Kulkarni: I have many hobbies like reading, gardening, travelling, taking part in Marathi dramas, playing bridge and chess, listening to classical, light music, Natya Sangeet, etc. Watching Discovery Channel, listening old movie songs and selected radio programmes are my favourite ones these days. On Sundays, I love to visit relatives and friends whenever there are no IMA meetings.

Zuvius: We would love to know about your favourite movie and your favourite book.

Dr. Kulkarni: My favourite English movies are Alfred Hitchkochs, Sherlock Homes and old classics like War and Peace, An Affair to Remember, etc.

In Bollywood, subtle comedies and movies like Anand, Parineeta and Devdas.

Lakhchi Gosta and Pedgaon are the Marathi movies I adore.

My favourite book is “The Emperor of All Maladies” by Dr. Siddartha Mukherjee, a cancer physician & Asst. Professor in medicine at Colombia University. The Book is the winner of Pulitzer Prize for Non-Fiction, 2011.

Zuvius: What are the three things always on your davenport/desk?

Dr. Kulkarni: Three things on my desk are: A photograph of Swami Vivekananda, a list of things to do for

the day and my beloved computer!

Zuvius: Where is the most exciting place you have ever been?

Dr. Kulkarni: Disney World in Orlando is the craziest place I have ever been!

Zuvius: What is your personal secret to happiness?

Dr. Kulkarni: Not to give much importance to trifles and accept life as it is. Enjoy what you have today than cribbing about what you didn’t have yesterday.

Zuvius: If you wouldn’t have opted for medical education, where would you love to see yourself as?

Dr. Kulkarni: Medicine, and that too Oncology! I wish for the same. It’s never enough. Serving the masses would be my prime motto whatsoever!

Zuvius: What were the circumstances that made you decide to go for a check-up?

Prateek: April 20, 1998- It was my nineteenth birthday and I woke up with a slight pain in my left testicle. I have had this pain for the last few years since a ball had hit me there while playing cricket with my friends. The pain had not been consistent and never been intense. I had ignored it mostly. I never thought of mentioning it to anyone, either. In the evening, I went out and partied with my close friends. I had turned nineteen, was in perfect health with a good physique, for I had been religiously visiting a gym for the past year. I was enjoying my carefree college days. Life had been generally good to me.

April 21, 1998- The day started with an acute pain. I finally told my mom. My grandfather worked in the Military Hospital. I went to see him. He further referred me to another doctor immediately.

Zuvius: What was your immediate response on learning you had cancer.

Prateek: My mind went blank. I kind of switched to autopilot. I think the gravity of the situation didn’t sink in till my first chemotherapy which was done on the second day after my first surgery. I was operated upon for the first time on 23^rd April, 1998. Everything had happened too quickly. Everything was a blur.

Zuvius: How did you decide which hospital/doctor you should go to for further treatment?

Prateek: After being operated upon and given the first chemotherapy at Batra Hospital and Medical Research Centre, New Delhi, I was referred to Tata Memorial Cancer Hospital, Bombay for further treatment.

Also read: Manisha Koirala – A Warrior & An Inspiration

Zuvius: When you were diagnosed with cancer who was most devastated by the news?

Prateek: My father was on a business tour at that time. My mom was deeply affected with the news. She had heard only dreadful things about cancer and she was gravely worried about her teenage son.

Zuvius: Can you tell us what kind of cancer you had and what was the procedure of treatment prescribed?

Prateek: It was diagnosed as Malignant Testicular Teratoma. Surgeries, to remove the nodules, and chemotherapies were prescribed. I underwent two surgeries (one to remove the left testicle and another to remove a node from the right lung), and 2 VIP regime chemotherapies and 4 cycles of regular chemotherapies.

Zuvius: What were the physical changes seen in yourself, in your daily life and how did you cope with those.

Prateek: I was a robust 19-year old teenager. The chemotherapy left me very weak physically. I lost all the hair on my body. I would feel nauseated all the time. I completely lost my appetite.

I kept myself busy. I would play video games and watch movies. My friends often visited me and spent time with me. All this kept my mind distracted.

Zuvius: Who and what kept your spirit up, gave you the strength and confidence to go through this difficult phase of treatment without losing hope.

Prateek: I had the complete support of my family and friends. Dr. Advani, Tata Memorial Cancer Hospital, whom I was consulting, was very encouraging and inspiring. He made my cancer seem inconsequential. All that support and hope, coupled with my strong will-power and fighting spirit, kept me going.

Zuvius: Can you remember when you felt totally helpless during your cancer days?

Prateek: I am the eldest son. I have two younger brothers. During one of my chemotherapy days, my youngest brother got caught in a squabble and I couldn’t go out to help him, as I usually did, because I had become physically very weak and was greatly prone to infections as the immune system had taken a bad beating. I had felt very helpless, in those few moments, about my condition.

Zuvius: What did you learn about your friends and family during this difficult period of fighting cancer?

Prateek: While I was undergoing the treatment, my family worked like a team, especially my parents. My father is a businessman. He would go on his tours to collect money that his customers owed him, while my mom would take me for my surgeries and chemotherapies. I lived in Agra at that time. I had one of my surgeries and chemotherapies in Delhi. The second surgery was carried out in Bombay. Rest of the chemotherapies, I received at Gwalior.

Up until then, my mom had been “just a simple housewife”. In those days, she took me everywhere alone. She was initially deeply worried about the disease that had this life-threatening tag attached to it. But she found the fortitude that only a mother can for her child. She managed home. She managed her two other sons. She managed my medication, my therapies, and my surgeries, alone. My father could not be with us physically because he needed to make large sum of money available for my treatment. So, most of the times, he was on tour. Apart from my own strong will to survive, it was my parents’, my family’s determination that pulled me through.

Zuvius: What is the first thing you decided to do after you were declared cancer free?

Prateek: I was diagnosed with cancer on 21^st April, 1998. I was declared cancer free on 28^th October, 1998. Those six months are a blur now. I think I was blessed that it was all over in such a short span.

I simply went back to my life after it was all over.

Zuvius: Did having cancer change your perspective on life, things around you?

Prateek: Cancer made me realise my own inner strength. And the support and love, that I enjoyed, of my family and friends.

Zuvius: Did it affect the lives of people around you? If so how?

Prateek: It certainly affected my family. It was a harrowing experience for my mom to almost lose her 19-year old son. My brothers, 16-year old and 17-year old, got neglected in those months, at a crucial age. They went through the trauma of seeing their elder brother suffer. My father stayed on perpetual tours in those six months, to earn enough money for my treatment which was pretty expensive. But we pulled through.

Zuvius: What is the most important lesson that cancer taught you?

Prateek: If you have a strong will to survive, if you keep the faith, if you maintain hope, if you fight back, any obstacle, no matter how insurmountable it may seem, can be overcome. Any obstacle.

Zuvius: What were your conceptions about cancer before and after the treatment?

Prateek: Before I was diagnosed and subsequently cured of cancer, I had the same prevalent notion that cancer was one of the most severe life-threatening diseases. That people die of cancer, most likely because it is difficult to be cured. There were low chances of surviving cancer.

And I realised how grave a misconception it is. Cancer is perfectly curable. Not all kinds of cancer are a danger to life. What matters more is at what stage it is diagnosed in a person.  What matters is what kind of cancer it is. What matters is being careful about personal health and to pay attention to what your body is trying to tell you.

What matters is to never lose hope, to keep fighting, to never give up.

 

 Zuvius: How important life is to you now that you’ve come out of this ordeal?

Prateek: I was fortunate that my ordeal lasted only six months. I value it more now. But life goes on, no matter what.

Zuvius: If asked to say something to motivate cancer victims what would you say?

Prateek: No matter what it takes, keep that faith and hope alive. Cultivate the inner strength. Interact with people in similar situations. Interact with people you think you can find courage from. Join Support groups. Reach out. Reach within. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Fight back with all the vigour you have inside you, and then some more. You live only once. Make it worth the while.

Zuvius: What were the circumstances that made you decide to go for a check-up?

Varshaa: My mom is a cancer survivor herself and when she had been detected with breast cancer; her surgeon had warned that some women tend to have the genetic tendency to pass it on to their daughters so as her daughter I too was warned to be alert. Since the doctor was a family friend he was insistent the we learnt to self-examine and thus taught us the skill of self-examination but at that young age of the twenties one doesn’t apprehend that you can fall victim to such a dreaded disease. Mom would constantly remind to self-examine and one such day when I was in the middle of celebrating Christmas and gearing up for New Year’s Eve, I just recalled my mom’s repeated reminder’s to self-examine. I did so and felt a tiny lump like thing on my left breast but dismissed it as an illusion and apprehension as it didn’t feel or hurt or pain or anything of that sort. It just existed there. Strangely and sadly when I had been taught the skill to self-examine, I had been informed that cancer creeps in silently majority of the times, yet I chose to be an educated ignorant and let the next ten fifteen days go by in merry making. At the end of that period I suddenly recalled that tiny lump and checked immediately to find out if it actually existed and I was shocked that it had turned into a very obvious big lump about the size of a peanut embedded deep, immediately we rushed for sonography.

LIFE LESSON 1:  Ignorance isn’t bliss…be aware…be alert and be responsible for your personal self too because Jaan hai toh Jahaan Hai

Also read: Yuvraj Singh – The Biggest Test Match Of His Life

Zuvius: What was your immediate response on learning you had Cancer?

Varshaa: The sonography report didn’t look too good and so a needle biopsy was insisted upon (Mamography hadn’t been invented at that time in life). We waited restlessly for the biopsy report and since mom had been through this process about ten years prior to this, she was restless and probably sure of what report could be expected. The crazy news was broken to me, my mom and my husband with a verdict that I had to be admitted right away that very moment. My world came crashing down because this was the last I could have expected. My son was two years old back then and I pleaded to be allowed to go back home for a couple of days to digest this fact and to be with my son. But the doctor who was closely known to us refused to budge an inch probably because he knew what havoc a needle biopsy could play after being inserted into a deadly malignant lump of a galloping nature. I had no choice but to give in to the pressures of the doctor and my husband and mom.

LIFE LESSON 2: Accept facts for what they are instead of resorting to denial because denial just delays whereas acceptance can accelerate arriving at the solutions faster and more effectively.

Zuvius: How did you decide which hospital/doctor to consult for further treatment? Did you think of taking a second opinion?

Varshaa: The hospital I went to was the last place I would ever allow anyone I know to ever get admitted there. I feel it’s like Yumraj, who takes away everyone you know who had been admitted there directly to the Death Valley, I assert so because I lost my father to that hospital’s carelessness. In the subsequent year I too was there and would have probably gone to the deadmen’s place too but there was a strange incidence on the day of my surgery. It was as if God’s Grace showed me the shining light when I got locked in the hospital’s washroom and when they tried to unlock, the knob came off leaving the lock pretty much jammed at its place. It took the hospital about 45 minutes to cut the door around the locked area and get me out. I threw a fit and refused to be operated that day due to the negative indications that universe was sending out to me. They had no choice but to postpone the surgery to the next date i.e. 19^th January 2002 which also happened to be my father’s 1^st death anniversary who had been operated in this same hospital on the 18^th i.e. the same date that I was originally scheduled for surgery and this day was when he had left us for heavenly abode at the young age of 53 years. But I wasn’t giving up so soon I stuck my neck up and refused to be operated on the 18^th, this sounds abstract but maybe that was a strong gut intuition and my zest for life that saved my life. Just two years later I lost even my mother in law in this crazy place so I personally hate that hospital.

As far as the second opinion is concerned, my doctor was my mom’s surgeon and a family friend so he was completely trustable. He was a doctor from the new school of thought with a double degree from the U.S. and a prominent doctor with 2 well-established and leading hospitals in Mumbai as well as association to a mission hospital for charitable treatment. So going with him was the natural course since mom had been treated well. But the shock came when he announced that just removal of the lump wasn’t the solution to my case and I would have to go through Mastectomy for the breast and Lumpectomy for the infected lymph nodes. I refused to believe that such a major surgery was needed and assumed that the family friend doctor had become greedy and was trying to make me the scape goat for his monetary and experiential benefits, I refused to sign the papers for consent to surgery and insisted on a second opinion but mom, hubby, family all requested to keep my faith in the doctor who had cured my mom. But I refused to give in and so even though I was refused to travel to another doctor from another hospital, my reports were shown to other doctors by family and well-wishers and the surgery was advised by one and all. Even after knowing that a major surgery was the only way out I still refused to sign the papers because……come on….28 years was no age to lose a breast for a young girl who loved herself and loved life. Mom, relatives, college friends, doctors and hospital team all tried to convince me all through those days, urging me on the seriousness of my condition and the life threat that I was facing. I eventually relented on the tenth day when my husband came up and whispered “That’s my property and I will make do with one…so you have no right to resist losing it and I would rather lose one than lose you!” I was speechless and over powered by my respect for him that had just multiplied a million times.

LIFE LESSON 3: This episode in my life taught me two major lessons…Firstly doubt is a direct by-product of fear and apprehension for the unknown, thus don’t let it cloud your mind and decisions else you will be responsible for your own destruction. Secondly Love is something that cannot be contained in a preconceived pre-defined notion because the way of expression varies from person to person. In all those six years of being married my husband may not have been expressing his love as per my pre conceived notion thus making me assume that he didn’t love me enough but what he said that day reflected the depth of his love for me. For a cancer patient to survive and heal faster the mandatory essential of treatment is love and affection from friends, family and loved ones.

Zuvius: Can you tell us what kind of Cancer you had, the stage and what was the procedure of treatment prescribed?

Varshaa: I had second stage third grade cancer of galloping nature and thus the speed at which it could grow was multi fold faster than the other kinds of cancers. The cancerous cells had thrived even in the lymph nodes wherein 11 lumps were removed of which 2 to 3 were badly infected. In short, if a few more days would have passed without removing them then it would have spread into the inner organs and in all probability I wouldn’t have been around writing this. The post-surgery treatment comprised of 20 days to recoup, heal the surgery stitches, arm rotation exercises to ensure that the arm pit didn’t get jammed after removal of the lymph nodes, new dressing and checking the stiches at the end of those twenty days. After this all the blood tests had to be done to ensure that I was up to the count for taking a chemotherapy. Thankfully my WBCs were pretty low at the end of 20 days so chemo was postponed for another 15 days.  I lived my life in those 15 days since I knew I would be living hell for the next 8 to 9 months due to my 6 cycles of chemotherapy that was prescribed with a gap of 40 days between two cycles. Since mine was a very advanced case the doctors didn’t want to take a chance so the dosage of chemo medicine prescribed was very high meaning higher magnanimity of the after effects of the treatment. During those 15 days I went back to my son for a few days and played with him as it was the greatest stress buster, I watched 3 movies in the theatre with my mom and my grandmom because I knew that public places, outside food etc. would be banned for me for the entire year or maybe more. I have always hated being pitied upon so people who called or visited to express pity and sympathize would be shocked with my positive stance and anti-pity attitude. I had seen my mom suffer from the horrible treatment but there’s a whale of a difference between seeing and experiencing yourself, but I guess I was ready to take it on with a strong mind.

LIFE LESSON 4: Never fear the unknown as your apprehensions magnify the ill effects and trauma you go through.

Zuvius: What were the physical changes seen in yourself, in your daily life and how did you cope with those?

Varshaa: OMG….the first cycle of chemotherapy, it was like my veins, blood, my entire inner body was set on fire. I vomited all night, was constipated the next morning and nauseated and vomited all day again, it felt like my entire inner system was pushing to turn inside out. My mom contacted our homeopathy doctor and got some pills to take care of these side effects. Those homeopathy medicines were a blessing in disguise as I could eat without nauseating or vomiting. Over and above that constipation was taken care of so I could sleep without feeling like I was on fire, Two to three days after my chemotherapy, I woke up one morning and found some strands of hair on my pillow so I went to the wash room to check on the status of my hair. Much to my dismay, my hair came off with roots as easily as one would be able to take a piece of the cotton candy (widely known as budiya ke baal or pink candyfloss).

I was staying with my mother during the course of my treatment as my mother in law wasn’t in a state to nurse my extreme condition and more over she had to take care of my 2 year old son and home too. My mom was much more agonized than me to see me losing the hair. For the next 3 days every morning I would wake up to a pillow full of hair and a highly emotional mom. After losing my father exactly a year before my surgery, I couldn’t add to her trauma each living day for something as trivial as my hair that would grow back some day after my treatment was over. So on the 4^th or 5^th day of this repeated ordeal and emotional days, I woke up, went to the wash room and stood in front of the mirror and caressed my hair by running my fingers from the root down for them to come off in as much bulk as were ready to come off once and for all. Surprisingly all of them just came off completely. I carried that entire bunch and handed it over to mom and joked that I will get a wig made out of those waist length hair and would wear a bandana till then. She gave me an old scarf that used to be my school time favourite and she had stored that away as fond memories, wow seeing that scarf was nostalgic as all those memories of those lovely picnics and holidays came flooding back wherein I had worn that favourite scarf of mine. Bandana on my head became a style statement from that day on at least that’s what most who weren’t aware of my illness assumed.

But even if I would have projected that I am strong and cool and facing all that treatment with ease and acceptance, the fact was that I was living  hell and chaos and trauma and helplessness deep within. As a chatterbox my greatest challenge was to refrain from expressing my pain and trauma to my loved ones and since I was portraying a tough side it was adding to my emotional trauma along with the physical trauma of losing a breast, losing all my hair, losing my eyebrows, nails turning blue and ready to fall off with the slightest of impact. But did I have a choice? No, I couldn’t escape it as I was in no condition to walk or step out of home for those days in between two chemo cycles. I couldn’t express all the hell and helplessness to anyone since I had to stay tough for my Mom, my son and my hubby so I resorted to penning down my emotions, confusions, trauma, hope etc. and Voila!! Guess what? I discovered the poet in me who had always existed but the potential had gone unnoticed and unfathomed. This was the initiation of a new life, a new beginning with a new skill to explore with a new purpose and optimism to life.

LIFE LESSON 5: Who am I to decide what I want out of my life? It’s all God’s Grace. He always has bigger designs, all that’s needed by mortals like me is to understand those designs and fill in the appropriate colours. Once the right fabric of life is self-woven, the drape will feel perfect and complementing

Zuvius: Who and what kept your spirit up, gave you the strength and confidence to go through this difficult phase of treatment without losing hope?

Varshaa: I guess it was a combination of multiple things, firstly it was my love for life, my self-confidence, my mother’s love, nursing, nurturing and past experiences, my husband’s love and attention, my son’s innocent questions, affectionate and healing hugs which I got in rationed doses, not because he would catch some infection but because I could catch and infection due to my extremely low WBC. It felt like I was the newborn baby in the incubator that even kids weren’t allowed to touch due to fear of infection.  Over and above this I was blessed to have parents who were loved by neighbours, relatives and community members so when they got to know of my illness they would call me, visit me, pamper me by getting some interesting homemade food like soups and interesting desserts which helped me stay distracted and occupied. In my alone moments my poetry writing was my pillar of strength and the 1^st poem I created in my life at that age of 28 is titled “Zindagi Ke saath Khushi se Chal Chalaa Chal….haan Khushi se chal chaala chal….”

LIFE LESSON 6: One has to seek happiness within and not around and once being happy becomes a way of life, and then any tragedy or trauma however huge can just shake you up a bit but will never succeed at uprooting you.